Pounding

Its amazing when a long term friendship/relationship ends, the billions of thoughts that race through one's mind. The memories of my own mistakes, regrets, and missed opportunities are on a constant loop in my brain like the 11pm edition of Sportcenter. Even though there were bad times, there were many more wonderful memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life such as the laughter or those instances when there is nothing but silence and when it seemed that nothing in the world mattered.

Aside from the memories, there are the physical and visual reminders that can hijack one's mind. For me, those reminders are coca-cola, a particular car, a city, and even my own favorite baseball team! I am a very visual person. That is how I learn. And this is where I am tested every day. I'll be honest, I still have a hard time drinking coke and I avoid it if I can...I even shaved off my gotee tonight because of how much she used to like it. Maybe, I'll grow it back but not right now...

Tonight, as I lie on my bed typing its hard for me to keep my composure because my experience with love has been a turbulent one to say the least. Of course, if I could I would have done many things differently. I'm fine taking responsibility for my screw ups because I had my fair share. Nobody's perfect, but I feel that too often I tried to be and maybe that was my downfall.

I've learned a lot about myself and I know that I am growing as a result of this difficult time. I've been in agony when wrestling on whether to cut the cord. I'm not that type of person. When it comes to people and relationships I'm persistent. I don't want to give in but in this case, the emotional and physical toll was hovering over me like a dark cloud. Everyday, I walked around with a giant pit in my chest. I was unhealthy and every day would begin and end with a longing for something that ultimately would never be realized. It was a torture unlike nothing I've ever experienced before. Towards the end, I was growing bitter and I knew that a change needed to be made. I tried my best to remain a friend but it was just too much for me. Do I feel good about ending this relationship or making someone I cared for feel bad? No. I feel like shit. I hate the way I feel but maybe the healing process can begin for me...

If you know me at all, you'll know that I love music and the band Doves. I've adopted this song as my mini anthem during this period of my life. Its called "Pounding" and it does a good job of capturing how I feel right now. My favorite part is at 3:26 and the next three frames. I gleaned a bounty of metaphors from that sequence.



Its finally time to start a new chapter in my life. Its been hard ending this one but hopefully the next one will provide some sort of affirmation and comfort to my weary soul.